Table of Contents
1 Conversations
1.1 Bees
A: I ran into a great number of bees on my walk yesterday.
B: That sounds frightening, how did you get away?
A: Get away? I didn't have to. There's no need to run from no bees.
1.2 Chemistry
A: I'm so glad we matched.
B: Likewise, I've matched with a few others, but noone who I really had chemistry with.
A: Hold up, you need to have chemistry to donate your kidney to me?
B: Yup
1.3 Deer
A: How does a deer make an origami bell?
B: ?
A: Folding
1.4 Did you know?
A: Did you know that humans only use 10% of their fingers?
B: ?
A: Holds up 10 fingers
1.5 England
A: In England they call the nuclear football the nuclear American football.
B: …
1.6 Fish
A: You must become one with these goldfish.
B: swims
B: hugs fish
A: You have failed. The correct answer was to eat them.
1.7 Fraud
A: Fraud used to be so much easier back in the old days. Back when the Social Security numbers were so low. And it was only a bunch of white guys who we considered people. You could just walk up to a bank, say, Hello, I'm Charles Pumpkins, SSN 35, and I would like to withdraw $10" and walk out with enough money to buy a horse.
B: ?
A: Or two.
1.8 Hey
A: Hands behind back, walks up to B
A: Hey, what would you like to be remembered for after next Tuesday?
B: ?
A: Sorry, "after you die"?
A: (≧︿≦)
1.9 Hip replacements
A: What if hehe
B: ?
A: Hip replacements were lambs?
B: ?
A: So they just replaced hips with lambs?
B: ?
A: hehe
1.10 Magic hat
A: Hey kid, here's a magic top hat that brings inanimate objects to life. Let's use it on your snowman!
B: Walks into backyard
B: Digs up a shoebox
B: Puts the top hat on a dead rabbit
1.11 Movie
A: I just watched "Fast & Pious".
B: …
1.12 Name
A: My name is Eric.
B: How do you spell that?
A: E as in Edward, R as in Redward, I as in Iredward, C as in Ciredward.
1.13 Remember
A: I can remember my pasta lives.
B: …
1.14 Sleepy
A: What do you need when you're sleepy after a drug night high?
B: ?
A: A pillow
1.15 Steve
A: "Steve Jobs"? Were you friends with him?
B: Why?
A: Because you're referring to him so informally. I always call him "Steve Employment".
1.16 Weight lifting
A: I'm trying to learn something new.
B: What?
A: How to lift 500 lbs.
2 Missayings
2.1 Bad luck
If you break a mirror's heart you get 7 years bad luck.
2.2 Candy
Pitiful as an adult taking candy from a baby.
2.3 Early
So early that the dawn was still smooth.
2.4 Easy-peasy
Easy-peasy like playing parcheesi.
2.5 Fish in a barrel
Unsatisfying as shooting fish in a barrel.
2.6 Honey
You catch more flies with honey than without honey.
2.7 Marriage
Gloveless marriage
2.8 Moon
The moon is made of keys.
2.9 One man's trash
One man's trash is another man.
2.10 Pen
The pen is inkier than the sword.
2.11 When life gives you …
When life gives you melons, make lemonade.
3 Word break rearranging
3.1 Low self-esteem
Lowe's elf esteem